(December 24th) being the change I want to see...

this is an early start to the next "Operation..." that I am

going to introduce for the year 2011 (and beyond)...

Operation : Be the Change.

Since my return from El Salvador it has been well documented that I am struggling.

Desperately trying to hold on to my need to make a difference and not get caught up in my daily routine and obligations.

I was scared though.

I didn't know what to do.

How to start.

What difference I, one little person, could really make.

I didn't want to be an enabler. I want to make sure I am helping and not hindering.

In my usual way, I was over thinking it.

Our family was invited to go with Dave and Sharon (the General Manager at Stepper Homes and his wife) to join them and 4 other families to deliver Chili to the homeless/less fortunate downtown Christmas eve.

I said yes immediately.

Then I had a week to work myself into a frenzy of doubt.

I almost backed out but then I re-read my El Salvador entries

and I remembered my need and desire to make a change.

Even if I brought joy to just one person.

I took a big breath, rounded up the family,

and all 4 of us went down to Inglewood to meet up with the

other families.

Instead of chili, we took water and Tim Horton's coffee.

There was no real plan, we drove around looking for a group,

the night was warmer (still very cold, but balmy in Alberta Winter terms)

so we figured a few people would be out.

At the end we ended up at the Downtown drop in center,

where over 1 hour, we handed out over 50 cups of coffee,

60 bottles of water, 3 tins of fresh homemade cookies,

4 crockpots of chili, buns, packages of hot chocolate and jelly beans.

This was a much different experience than El Salvador.

It was just as sad to me, but in a different way.

In El Salvador, we handed out food to families that were working,

trying their hardest to provide for their families, but just

don't have the same opportunities that we do in Canada.

The people were humble and very grateful. I struggled with the feelings

of being so proud, trying your hardest, but still having to ask for help from others.

Downtown, I felt that many of the individuals are a victim

of their own circumstances and our societies misplaced values.

I am not here to judge as I do not understand the stories of these

individuals and have never walked in their shoes but I will say that I was taken back by the amount of individuals that appeared to be under the influence of drugs/alcohol.

For the most part though they were very polite and kind to the

children that we had with us. A few of the gentleman took the time

to tell the young boys that they need to make sure they never end up

where they are as it is no life.

There were many thanks and god bless spoken throughout the night.

However, there was a sense of entitlement on the part of some

(please note, I want to make it clear, it was just a few individuals and not all)

that I never felt when I was in El Salvador.

Near the end, we also had a few individuals who had a lot to say on the state of the world in

very unflattering terms and how much they have been wronged but a quick request to tone the language down due to the children present usually was all that was needed. The interesting contrast to El Salvador is not once did I hear anyone complain that it was someone else's fault that they lived like they did.

What I loved though was hearing the stories shared as

they ate the chili and sipped their coffees.

There were some great tales being spun. Maybe they

were true, maybe they weren't but it was fascinating just the same.

My soul was touched when one gentleman thanked me

for calling him "sir".

He was an older man and I had asked him what he needed in his coffee.

When I handed him the sugar and cream, I said "there you go sir"

He stopped, looked straight into my eyes and said...

"thank you for calling me sir, even though I am a general without an army"

His tone sounded like he doesn't experience much respect in his every day.

For me, it was something I would have said to anyone.

I didn't say it to make him feel better,

I was treating him like I would have treated anyone else and

that meant something to him.

While reflecting on this experience over the last few days

I came to the realization that serving them chili and coffee

was perhaps not the real gift. Treating them as respected human beings

while we listened to their stories and gave them a little positive human interaction,

may stay with them much longer than the full chili belly.

I am still not sure where I stand on our homeless situation

and have a lot to process.

However, what I know for sure,

and what I want to make sure my children understand,

is that we made a difference in a few life's for a few moments

and that is a gift.

A gift that we are in the position to give and

it is our responsibility to share what we have,

financially, emotionally and time wise.

It is not my place to judge. To tell anyone what

they should or should not be doing with their life's.

Do I agree with their lifestyles? Am I upset that we live in a

country with many opportunities but that there is many people that are not in a position or are not willing to take advantage of them? Do I find it frustrating that our taxes go towards paying for people that choose to live on the street and not be employed?

I realized my answers to the above questions don't matter.

I have done extensive research the last few days

about the different services available and

our city is trying to make a difference.

There are many people and organizations that are

doing great and admirable work.

They are concerning themselves with the difficult questions.

What is my role? to do what I can, when I can, to bring a little joy and comfort to those, that for whatever reason , do not have it right now.

I read a wonderful Hawaiian proverb that answered many of the confusing questions in my mind about what in the world difference can I make, did serving chili and coffee make any real difference and many other confusing thoughts...

Hawaiian proverb: A little boy is walking along a beach strewn with thousands of starfish that have washed up on shore. The little boy is picking up the starfish and tossing them back in the ocean. An older man walks up to the boy and says, "This is a waste of time. You can't make a difference. There is no way you can save them all." The little boy bent down and picked up another starfish and threw it back in the ocean. He looked at the older man and said, "Sure made a difference to that one."

I only have a few pictures to share as I didn't ask permission from the other families we were with to post picutres of them and I was very aware not to take pictures of the homeless (their faces).

El Salvador - 2 weeks 1 day later

I am starting to get it.

It? you ask.

The fact that I need to realize that my reality is here.

In my home,
with my children and husband,
driving 55 minutes to work one way
spending 8 hours a day, 4 days at week at my job,
living in an environment of excess,
where people are always looking for the next thing,
never finding that elusive sense of final achievement,
where the focus is on collecting more stuff
and relationships become secondary.

I can not immediately change my personal environment
and much to my chagrin,there are many things in our society
that I can not control.

On Saturday, we went to Stepper for the children's Christmas party
which also allowed me the opportunity to see a few of the people
we had gone to El Salvador with. It was very comforting to speak with
the ladies that have had the same experience and learn that they too are
struggling and we are all wondering the all important question...

what now?

there is a fear that we will settle back in our routines
and all that need we felt to change the world will
fade in the face of our fast paced Canadian lives
where our daily responsibilities and routines will become center stage.

Sharon (whose husband Dave is the General Manager and was with us our week)
was unfortunately unable to come with us but we had a chance to catch up at the party.
We had a great conversation, she was a very calming voice and explained to me that our confused feelings make sense and it will take time for us to process everything. It is also important to not feel that
we have to change the world at once, we can make little differences that will add up.

A few of us ladies decided we would like to get together in the new year
put our minds (and hearts) together and start making an action plan.

I always feel better when there is an action plan!

In the meantime, I am still working through my feelings and thoughts
day by day, sometimes minute by minute.

However, what I know for sure already...

I am thankful for my family, my old friends, my new friends
my opportunities, my health and my everyday.

In all of this self reflection I have given my home country a hard time,
but at the end of the day, I am proud of being Canadian
and yes we have issues, but we also have and will continue to
make amazing changes in our world.

I will become the change I want to see in the world.

I will make a difference.

When a group of us who are being the change we want to see and are destined to make a difference get together, things, good things, no EXCELLENT things will happen.

Things worthy of a shock and awe adjective.

I can feel it, there is a shift happening,
and it will go viral, it is the type of pandemic we need.

Forget H1N1, we need the kick a little "creating positive change and working even closer to world safety, health and peace" pandemic arse.

I know many of you are with me
and that makes my soul smile.

Happy Holidays to all,
I wish you peace, love and joy now and always,
Dee

El Salvador - one week later

this time last week

we had arrived home to our families

and received much needed hugs.

I was confused,

not sure what to make about my week.

I thought with time it would all make sense.

I figured I was just tired.

Once I had a chance to get back into my daily life it would work itself out.

Wrong.

7 days later and I am no more settled,

actually I would say even more off kilter now

that what I saw and felt are starting to sink in.

the questions are still way greater than the answers.

my irritability with the reality I live in is no less.

what we hold as important in Canada is still frustrating.

the sense of hopelessness that I am just one little person and there is so much wrong with this world is stronger then ever.

the fact we have real problems in Calgary as well is still very evident.

the feeling that I should be doing something more important, making a greater, bigger more direct change is even more present in my mind (and soul).

I can't easily change my daily life anymore than one of the villagers in El Salvador can change theirs.

Our lives are the way they are for many reasons.

Luck of the draw for one. I didn't choose to be born in Canada and they didn't get to choose El Salvador.

I am still undecided of who won that draw by the way.

We both have great things about our lives

and we also share struggles.

I would venture to guess though that more of ours are man-made versus the cards we were dealt at birth.

This need to make a change is a little bit like my dirty house,

I have no idea of where to start

and wonder if I am actually capable of doing a good job

and if what I do is going to truly make a difference

as there is a chance (a really good one in my house) that it will just get messed up again.

as well, who decides what needs to be done?

the last thing I want to do is push our mixed up priorities on anyone.

who decides the line of basic necessities? is it a roof, clean water and access to food? should it include access to education? electricity? medical?

I firmly believe in personal choice and responsibility. Who am I to tell someone they need to have a better paying job, bigger dreams, more ambition? Who are we to define success?

should we not all individually decide what will define success in our own lives? let people create their own stories.

this experience has just strengthened what I was already confused about. It didn't give me more clarity, it just confirmed what I was already thinking...

I am a proud wearer of rose coloured glasses,

who is unhappy with the state of the world,

that wants to efficiently use every second she has on this earth,

who believes in being the change you want to see,

but has no idea how or what she can do

and perhaps is being held back by fear.

fear of the unknown

fear of failure

fear of not knowing what the right thing to do is.

as you can see I am confused & overwhelmed

with a side of self pity (what could I, one little person actually do to create real change)

I know that time will help.

That my reality will start making sense again,

but that I have been changed and it will never look the exact same to me.

I also know I am not alone with these feelings.

Scott is struggling and I have a feeling

some of the new friends I made, who share a lot of my same thoughts,

will be struggling to find their way as well.

once again, I am not able to tie up this post, nice and neat with a defined ending.

this will be an ongoing lesson and one that I am not sure I will ever find an answer to,

but I promise that this is not the last you have heard from me on this,

I will find my feet again, regain my balance, and find out the right way to be

the change I want to see in this world.

thank you for reading about our adventure

and if Scott and I have our way, it will

not be the last one!

339/365 Sunday, December 5th

home time.

also the end of the hundres of photos per post.

I was done this morning. my heart and mind could take no more.

all I could think of was how fast could I get home to my children.

I wanted to close my eyes and pretend there was no poverty, no sadness, no materialism, no wars, no violence, no homelessness, no greed...

but I know the truth and somehow I need to understand my reality.

I need to figure out what change I want to create and whether or not I have the tools and abilities to make it happen.

This day was not the day for the heavy thinking. I just needed to cope long enough to get home to my children.

This is a picture taken while I was laying on the bed, not wanting to move a muscle, but I didn't want to forget to take a picture today, so I lifted the camera, pointed out the window and clicked:

338/365 Saturday, December 4th

beach day.

we packed up our belongings (well more what we had bought as I gave away all my clothes and shoes except 2 pairs of lulu capris and 2 t-shirts and my flip flops) and headed to a private home (I tell you Pastor Jorge has great connections).

I really didn't think I needed this day. I thought I would have rather been back at San Antonio starting the next 8 houses or heading home. However, I was wrong, this day at the beach was so important. It allowed us to decompress, reflect on what we had seen and felt. It was a quiet day. Many of us trying to settle the myriad of emotions. Some of us were just plain exhausted.

Mauritza and her helpers made us a great lunch and it was a lazy day hanging at the pool and the beach.

the pictures:

Corri-Lynn writes in the sand every beach she goes to, I was able to snap this just as the water was coming up to wash it away.

through this walkway?

paradise!

entrance to the beach house, the beach was just across the road (through the pathway in the above picture)

Scott and my footprints in the sand. We went for a very nice and peaceful walk down the beach.

Random Photo time:

self portrait in the hallway of the hotel we stayed in by the airport (as we flew out the next morning)

337/365 Friday, December 3rd

key celebration day.

a busy day that started with a market visit,
an overwhelming amount of vendors in a rather small area,
I struggled with the crowds, the smells and the sights of a rat (dead), raw meat for sale, big wheels of stinky cheese for sale.
I have a feeling though that if I lived in San Vicente, I would get used to the market and
finding my way around, it is just nothing I have ever been in before. Unfortunately there are no photos of the market
as I put my camera away into our backpack, it was the first (and only time) during the trip that I felt unsafe.

it was then onto San Antonio for the Key Celebration,
a very special and emotional day for all involved.

saying adios to our new friends was probably the
hardest part of the whole trip for me.
Realizing there would be no "see you tomorrow".
Knowing that perhaps I may never see these people again
and will always wonder how there lives will be.
Are they safe? happy? have enough to eat?

The day ended with dinner with the Mayor,
well not really with the Mayor as he was held up at the office
as it was barricaded by protesters,
more like the Mayor bought us dinner and had a chance
to say a quick hello once he was released.
ummm, yep, these are just the type of things that happen.

No worries, there was still a Texaco trip, all ended well.

the day in pictures:

Carmen during the Key Celebration Alexis, holding their housewarming gift of a blanket and hiding his pinanta candy from me Many of the ladies fell in love with Diana (pronounced Deanna), her smile lights up her face and her eyes are always sparkling.Scott asked Trent ( one of the leaders) who he could give to his tool belt to and it was decided that he would give it to Roberto (or Victor if you ask me, if anyone reading this knows his name, please leave a comment, it will end the debate between me and Scott)Mr. Snowmen, one of 3 Pinanta's, I am not sure who loved this event more, the moms or the children!

Poor Mr. Snowmen, very little was left of him.
Our interperter, Carlita, and her favourite pinanta.

Sad Carlita with what is left of Strawberry ShortcakeScott handing out the bag of toys we brought with us (bouncy balls, bubbles, rubber rings, paddles/balls)

oh boy the hard part, saying the final good-byes, Gord with his friend Rosa.

desperate times, desperate measures, making a Flames fan anytime I can. I gave this little boy my Flames hat.

I love this picture, especially the adults peeking around the corner.

the church in San Antonio

cows, in the road, so everyday by this point.

336/365 Thursday, December 2nd

end of building.

buckets of sweat, a few tears, a couple of cusses and a few cuts and bruises.

8 houses. 8 dreams. 8 protected families.

this is the point in our adventure when the emotion was getting to be too much for me
and as a thinker, my mind and heart were overloaded.

I also remember that this was a sad day
as I realized this was the last day,
we would be saying "mañan" (tomorrow).

I felt happy there, content and I knew
that I was that much closer to returning to my reality.

my day in pictures:

The men that came every morning from San Philippe (I think), a neighboring village. They were such hard workers, they received $6 a day ( a good wage in El Salvador).This lady brought us all so much joy, really, who will ever forget the singsong "TAMMMMMALLLLLEEEEE" in the most nasally drawn out voice you could ever imagine, every single morning.

I love this picture. She is the little spitfire that followed us around, would never throw me the ball and always had a smile. To capture this picture where she is serious, almost sad looking, was amazing as I think this was a one second opportunity.

Carmen (6 years old) down at the river, rinsing the corn (from the food they received yesterday).

This was a special and common scene, the children trying to help anyway they could and at the same time learning valuable skills. Corri-Lynn and I had 3 little girls (around 6-8 yrs old) helping us pre-drilling holes and they were pretty much doing the marking and drilling on their own by the time we got to the last piece. This picture is even more special as this is her house. Rosa will always know that she helped build the home her family would be living in.

Rosa.

Rosa and her sisters. They will be living in this new home with their mom, dad and baby sister.

This was a day of capturing pictures I loved. Carmen and who I believe may be her grandpa or great grandpa.

naughty naughty pig.

a couple scenery pictures, it is a very beautiful country.

and the one and only...TEXACO. Yep, this was a highlight. We laughed and teased about it but our nightly Texaco runs and the Tamale lady will always be something that our group will remember.

335/365 Wednesday, December 1st

Food delivery day.

We sorted, divided and delivered 400 bags of food.

Each black bag contained a bag of corn, beans, rice, a bottle of oil, box of powdered milk and 5 soup packets.

This was a very tough day. My heart broke seeing people line up for food that would last a month at the most. They are such proud, hard working people and I struggled with the feelings that come with relying on someone else to give you food.

Scott and I were not in the exact same position as my neighbours in El Salvador but we were not too far ahead when we were first married. We lived in a 325 sq ft apartment and lived (barely) week to week. Scott worked 2 jobs and I was at home with Shelby. There was no extra money and our cupboards were very bare on a regular basis. We had the benefit of family and friends that looked out for us but I still remember the sinking feeling of having to ask for help, to ask our parents for money, to ask them for food, to borrow milk for Shelby's bottles, or when we would put frozen food from their freezers into our laundry baskets. We knew the feeling of not knowing where our next meal would come from. Where 50 cent ichiban was the meal of choice and Sunday dinners at our parents were a life saver.

I want to make it clear that I am not saying that I know exactly how the people we delivered food to felt. The situation Scott and I were in was better, we had the chance with a lot of hard work and community support to become self reliant. They work hard and have community support but they do not have the same opportunities (yet) that we had.

Why I was struggling with the day was that I knew the feeling of being proud and having to rely on help of others and it is humbling. We know that anyone that helped us did not look down at us or ever intended to make us feel bad but it is just the natural emotion that comes with it. We are very thankful for the hand up we received and I know the people of El Salvador that we provided food for were grateful as well. I hope that in the near future somehow they can be provided the opportunity to be self sufficient as well.

the day in pictures:

Marizta (Pastor Jorge's wife), she is a beautiful soul that always had a wonderful smile, getting us started on dividing the food:

the beans

the great wall of rice

the corn

our truck, with half of the bags, for the first village we visited, the church and Pastor's house (church is the front, house is behind) is the white building across the street.

food distribution in San Antonio (the village we were building in). Pastor Jorge and a couple of women who are kind of the "in charge types" kept the line very orderly. It all went very smoothly.

this little boy was around 9-10 yrs old and I bet he made brownie points at home bringing this bag home for his family.

We left the village and pulled onto the main highway, all of a sudden we pull ovr to the side, all these women came up the path out of the trees.
Craig and Kim (Craig works at Stepper, Kim is his wife) delivering a bag in the first village we had gone to. I was taken by this scene for a couple of reasons. One, I think it is great that spouses were invited as it allows us to expeirence this life/mind changing event together. As well, I was touched by how happy and gratfeul this older this lady was. I love her hand on Craig's arm in this picture.of course, what would a day be without the pcitures of my young amigo's:this boy was so funny, he came running over to me and pointed to my camera and then to me and then pretended to snap a picture. I said ci (yes), he jumped up on the ledge and posed like this:

his friends then all came running over

a few random photos of the day: