El Salvador - one week later

this time last week

we had arrived home to our families

and received much needed hugs.

I was confused,

not sure what to make about my week.

I thought with time it would all make sense.

I figured I was just tired.

Once I had a chance to get back into my daily life it would work itself out.

Wrong.

7 days later and I am no more settled,

actually I would say even more off kilter now

that what I saw and felt are starting to sink in.

the questions are still way greater than the answers.

my irritability with the reality I live in is no less.

what we hold as important in Canada is still frustrating.

the sense of hopelessness that I am just one little person and there is so much wrong with this world is stronger then ever.

the fact we have real problems in Calgary as well is still very evident.

the feeling that I should be doing something more important, making a greater, bigger more direct change is even more present in my mind (and soul).

I can't easily change my daily life anymore than one of the villagers in El Salvador can change theirs.

Our lives are the way they are for many reasons.

Luck of the draw for one. I didn't choose to be born in Canada and they didn't get to choose El Salvador.

I am still undecided of who won that draw by the way.

We both have great things about our lives

and we also share struggles.

I would venture to guess though that more of ours are man-made versus the cards we were dealt at birth.

This need to make a change is a little bit like my dirty house,

I have no idea of where to start

and wonder if I am actually capable of doing a good job

and if what I do is going to truly make a difference

as there is a chance (a really good one in my house) that it will just get messed up again.

as well, who decides what needs to be done?

the last thing I want to do is push our mixed up priorities on anyone.

who decides the line of basic necessities? is it a roof, clean water and access to food? should it include access to education? electricity? medical?

I firmly believe in personal choice and responsibility. Who am I to tell someone they need to have a better paying job, bigger dreams, more ambition? Who are we to define success?

should we not all individually decide what will define success in our own lives? let people create their own stories.

this experience has just strengthened what I was already confused about. It didn't give me more clarity, it just confirmed what I was already thinking...

I am a proud wearer of rose coloured glasses,

who is unhappy with the state of the world,

that wants to efficiently use every second she has on this earth,

who believes in being the change you want to see,

but has no idea how or what she can do

and perhaps is being held back by fear.

fear of the unknown

fear of failure

fear of not knowing what the right thing to do is.

as you can see I am confused & overwhelmed

with a side of self pity (what could I, one little person actually do to create real change)

I know that time will help.

That my reality will start making sense again,

but that I have been changed and it will never look the exact same to me.

I also know I am not alone with these feelings.

Scott is struggling and I have a feeling

some of the new friends I made, who share a lot of my same thoughts,

will be struggling to find their way as well.

once again, I am not able to tie up this post, nice and neat with a defined ending.

this will be an ongoing lesson and one that I am not sure I will ever find an answer to,

but I promise that this is not the last you have heard from me on this,

I will find my feet again, regain my balance, and find out the right way to be

the change I want to see in this world.

thank you for reading about our adventure

and if Scott and I have our way, it will

not be the last one!