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last night I discovered

I hurt my best friend badly

and I am very fortunate that she

valued our friendship enough to tell me

she could have easily decided to

keep her pain inside

let it brew

and at some point in the future

when it all accumulated

she would just blow and

that would be that

the friendship would not be salvageable.

instead she took a big breath

said " you hurt me badly"

and this is why...

I listened

took it all in

and broke apart into a

million little pieces inside

it wasn't intentional on my end

and she said she knew that

I had reasons to why it happened

but in the end they were just excuses

& to me those thing don't really matter

hurt is still hurt

if I aware I was doing it at the time

or not

she was bruised from my actions

and that is not ok.

it hurt me to hear it

hurt me to know I caused her pain

and that she cried as

she is not really a crier.

it took my breath away

and crumbled my tough

I know who I am

and what I stand for facade

in miliseconds

in the 15 minute walk home

I felt that I no longer knew

what operation be authentic was

or what I was really simplifying.

I dropped a ball

acted in a way that I didn't think was me

and I was lost.

I walked away from this creative outlet,

didn't feel like picking up my camera,

felt that I was no further ahead and even

maybe farther behind in being an

authentic, good person

and well, I cried

Scott just rubbed my back let me cry

and I threw myself a rather large pity party.

but at 3am when I couldn't sleep

I read a few of the comments left

and I felt a little warmer inside.

and later I read more of the comments &

they brought a different type of tears.

then...

the turning point

and what made me more thankful then ever

for the people in my life

my best friend called to make sure I was ok

I broke her heart and she was worried about me.

I was humbled

and I cried.

I can't promise her that

I won't fail her again

and I truly don't think she

expects a promise

she needed to tell me

I needed to listen,

acknowledge my mistake

and apologize

we both needed to do what

was the right thing

even though it was hard

if she can forgive me

then guess I need to forgive myself

accept ownership

try my hardest to not drop

the best friend ball again

pick myself up

and continue this journey to be

the best person that I can.

I need this blog.

although last night I wanted nothing to do with it

and truly felt I would not be back for awhile

but today I think I know why I ran...

it forces me to address issues head on

& as I work through operation be authentic

I need to be honest

warts and all

and I knew you, my Internet community,

keep me accountable

and expect me to be true.

Even though I try to keep this forum

light and positive

I now realize it is important

to show that every once in awhile

no matter how hard you try

to be positive,

rationalize the bumps in the road

and find that silver lining

that you still will get the

wind knocked out of you

and the true strength is to

not run away but to face it

head on

and so I now know that I have made

headway in operation be authentic

and all is not lost.

I am still confused

and upset with myself

that I dropped a very important ball.

However, I am proud that I took ownership,

did not rely on excuses

looked inside and accepted that in this

situation I sucked

and that in retrospect there are a few other

things I need to work on

but I picked myself up

called closing time on the pity party

(with the help of a gracious best friend

& you, my Internet friends and family)

and did not run away (well, very far)

which a year ago would not have been the case.

That in itself is a check in the plus side

of Operation be Authentic.

thank you all and take care,

dee-ann